James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT

Krehbiel Counseling

www.scottsdaletherapy.net

www.jkboardroomsuites@yahoo.com

480-664-6665 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LEAVING BEHIND CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS FOR BRIGHT, PRODUCTIVE FUTURES

Scottsdale, AZ, September 2010.  Dark memories of childhood can stir negative feelings within us. Parental neglect, abuse, divorce, having been bullied at school or family conflict and tragedy may cause repeating images in our subconscious even as we try to move forward into adulthood. For some individuals, troubled childhoods leave scars that will not fade. The marks impede our ability to progress and mature, but there are healthy ways to conquer the turmoil from within and reign victorious over a haunted past.

TROUBLED CHILDHOOD, TRIUMPHANT LIFE: Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth (March 2010, New Horizon Press) by James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT, is an indispensable step by step guide to release the shame, neglect and anguish of repressed emotions from hurtful upbringings, which we try to erase instead of dealing with. Krehbiel calls this “magical illusions.” Seeking to gain the approval and validation of parents who were absent, abusive or dysfunctional, we act out destructive behavior as adults becoming self-defeating, pessimistic and unable to experience joy.  Deterred from being comfortable and happy, adults who can’t let go of their troubled childhoods risk repeating this damaging chain of events with their own children.

Giving productive tips and advice, Krehbiel lays the foundation for new beginnings and provides the tools necessary for leaving the demons behind. He interprets the thoughts and behaviors of children in response to inadequate parenting, imparts methods of untwisting faulty and detrimental thinking and shows how to sort through pain to discard what didn’t work so the destructive cycle does not repeat.

With sensitivity and wisdom, Krehbiel outlines healthy ways to recognize the trauma, place it in the past and strive ahead for a better tomorrow. TROUBLED CHILDHOOD, TRIUMPHANT LIFE: Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth will help adults who have suffered trauma as children get on the right path to healing and growth, letting go of the past and build productive, happy futures.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist who specializes in treating adults and children experiencing anxiety and depressive disorders.  He has taught Master’s level counselor education courses for Chapman University.  Mr. Krehbiel lives and is a practicing counselor in Scottsdale, Arizona.  Please visit his informative website at: http://www.scottsdaletherapy.net.

Midwest Book Review: “No childhood is escaped scot-free.  Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life discusses tough childhoods…presents many stories of people succeeding and failing against their upbringing…drawing heavily on his decade of experience, Krehbiel presents why some people rise above their upbringing and some are crippled under it…an enlightening and intriguing read, not to be missed.”

Receiving rave reviews from readers:

Rachel Elaine: “Who among us can truly claim an idyllic home life when growing up? …Children instinctively idealize and “protect” their parents.  However, children who grow up minimizing the significance of a troubled past may suffer a myriad of consciously or unconsciously recognizable symptoms carried into adulthood…in short, what isn’t resolved in the past may present problems in the present.  In his latest book, Krehbiel brings forth 15 years of his vast professional experience to help bring closure and peace to relationships with parents that were less than nurturing, thereby loosening the grip of negative power over the affected adult child.  If you are one of the few who escaped youth relative unscathed, Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life would still be beneficial reading.  The understanding of consequences of the past and behavioral origins can help improve marriages, partnerships or any relationships.  Regardless where you’ve come from, Krehbiel will lead you to a life of more holistic integrity…”

C. Gale Perkins: “In this book…Krehbiel explores aspects of trauma that often happen in a child’s life…in today’s world there are so many people that can put themselves into the pages of this book written with so much knowledge and empathy.  Having worked in a psychiatric substance abuse hospital for 25 years, I have seen so many of the cases Mr. Krehbiel describes.  I feel this would be an excellent teaching manual for hospitals and schools to provide a better understanding of problems that rise in these environments.  I must say the book stirred up questions for me and made me think about some things I had dealt with and gave some insight into some I hadn’t addressed.  Thanks…I now understand some of my own experiences.  Recommend this book to anyone searching for answers to a productive adulthood…”

Ervin E. Harmon: “…an outstanding book covering the many significant problems that people have experienced during troubled childhoods and how these problems have affected people throughout their life…his work points out that many adults carry around significant baggage …self-defeating thinking and behavior into adulthood…explores how to deal with these serious deficiencies.  Great deal of information in this book that will peak your interest and help you to better understand the many problems that surface…and remain with a person…unless rectified.  Highly recommend this author’s work.”

{Recently, a newspaper columnist asked me to weigh in on a new teenage version of tag, called fugitive.  I provided her with some insights.  Upon further reflection, I have penned this parody, an intentional mockery of this game]. 

It started as a West Coast phenomenon.  It caught on, and now the excitement and anticipation is electric as an updated version of the game “tag” is sweeping the country.  Who could have foreseen that a simple game played out by generations of Americans would make a stunning comeback?  

The fugitive game is not for the weak-at-heart.  This is the personification of extreme tag, created by and for upperclassmen in today’s high schools.  Some of our most distinguished high school students put their heads together and developed a novel, proactive sport’s activity.  The concept is rather complex.  A group of kids meet at a central area, such as a neighborhood parking lot.  For starters, some teenagers run from the area while other players chase the runners in cars or on foot.  The fugitives get a head start, while the chasers pursue them until they are caught.  Here’s where the rules become tricky.  Task completion must be accomplished without cheating, such as avoiding the use of interstate highways, and gamers must be back to their destination within 45 minutes.  Creativity is built into this innovative version of tag, because fugitives can trespass into neighbor’s backyards, hiding in bushes to camouflage themselves from the chasers.  If a neighbor calls the police department, fugitives must figure out how to duck the consequences.

Licensed teenage drivers, using only insured vehicles, typically have someone riding shotgun ready to jump out of the car and tag the runner or call out his/her name when identified.  Unfortunately, once the fugitive is caught, she must get into the car until the game is completed.  The game is played with the utmost in caution, avoiding potential risks of automobile collisions, running into the innocent bystanders, and tearing up people’s personal property.  Regardless of any risky twists and turns, the game must continue to completion even if the police are called by neighborhood residents, who feel their rights have been violated,

Communities are just beginning to weigh in on the virtues and liabilities of the fugitive game.  Most parents wholeheartedly support their teenager’s new effort to put play into their lives.  One insightful parent said, “Hey, it may be a little risky, but it sure beats having my kid hooked on cocaine or dropping out of school.”  Another community member said, “Even if a 911 call goes out on my son, I’d prefer having him outside the house hanging out rather than sitting in the house playing video games.”

Student groups participating in the fugitive game are tickled about their new, exciting venture.  Many have described the results as similar to a rush experienced during a bout of self-medicating on marijuana or alcohol.  The biggest enticement that increases the games enjoyment is inciting the police or irate neighbors into playing the game with them.

Community mental health providers view this game as a rite of passage for our teens.  One psychologist noted, “It provides our kids with an opportunity to take out their frustrations by pushing back against authority figures; testing the limits to the max is their way of navigating adulthood – it’s a healing process.”

The fugitive game, founded by today’s teenagers, is the trendy tag of the future.  It’s coming to a town near you.  It is creative, complex, filled with risks and adventure as a wholesome outdoor sport.  Before your child hits the streets to play fugitive, make sure you have that parent/child talk to promote understanding about a new, fascinating way to play an old favorite that has entertained young people for decades.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona.  He specializes in working with children and adults who experience anxiety, depression, grief and pain management issues.  His latest book, Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life:  Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth (New Horizon Press) is now available through Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com.  James can be reached at www.scottsdaletherapy.net.

The chronic nature of addiction takes its toll as kids develop coping strategies to deal with the impact of alcohol abuse.  Children do the best they can, but develop unhealthy ways of reacting to a parent who drinks excessively.  These problematic patterns leave children susceptible to long-term emotional damage, particularly in relationships.

Some of the toxic characteristics of an adult/child of an alcoholic are:

• Mistrust
• Avoidance of conflict
• Performing to please
• Excessive caretaking of others
• Fear of abandonment
• Emotional detachment
• Anticipating the worst
• Being overly-critical towards self and others

These destructive qualities are internalized and carried around as adult baggage.  They are easily activated in adulthood in response to relationship issues.  Adults who have experienced a troubled childhood can find hope, healing and a triumphant life by processing the pain of their past.  This worked can be accomplished through recognition, grieving, releasing and letting go, and creating new, more rational ways of responding to problems and people.  Krehbiel’s new book, Troubled Childhood, Triumpant Life:  Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth provides solution-focused strategies for adults in their searches to leave their perilous past behind in pursuit of a brighter future.

There is a renewed interest in the impact of troubled childhoods.  The movie Blind-Side, starring Sandra Bullock, portrays a strong-willed mother whose care, compassion and involvement affects the life of a homeless, athletic teen.  Precious provides us with a snapshot of the horrors of parental abuse perpetrated on battle scarred youth.  Now, Todd Bridges, actor of Different Strokes has opened up about his perilous past in a new autobiography, Killing Willis.

These narratives, launched through the media, underscore the need to help today’s adults and children find ways to say goodbye to troubled childhoods in search for a brighter future.  Respected author and psychotherapist, James P. Krehbiel lays the groundwork for renewed hope in his book, Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life: Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth (New Horizon Press).  He offers goals for assisting adult readers in untwisting their horrific histories and finding answers for productive living in the here-and-now.  After each chapter, the reader is provided with workbook-like helps with chapter reflections and strategies for changing negative thinking and behavior.

Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life comes at a time when many in the media are re-focusing attention on the vulnerabilities of high profile adults.  These celebrities’ real-life experiences are metaphors for many adults whose current problems have been activated by unmet needs during childhood.  Krehbiel’s work, Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life provides hope and healing for adults struggling with the obstacles fueled from a troubled past.

The late psychotherapist Sheldon B. Kopp said, “No one is any stronger or weaker than anyone else.”  This profound statement is a call to civility.  It means that we should never attempt to elevate ourselves while trying to diminish others who we believe are more vulnerable.  Our society is riddled with examples of ways in which those who assume power try to demean those who can’t defend themselves.

This unfortunate fact calls to mind a recent tea party rally in which a gentleman with Parkinson’s disorder was bullied by an event advocate.  The perpetrator chose to hide behind his ideology and mob/group mentality to make his point to a defenseless person.  He later apologized for his hostile, embarrassing behavior.

Without a call to civility, we will continue to groom homegrown terrorists whose thinking and belief systems are filtered through the prism of anger and radical ideology.  The “axis of evil,” (via George W. Bush), is not merely within the jihadist movement, but in the hearts and minds of all those who would prey upon others using power and control to intimidate those who share different values, behaviors or lifestyle.

We have lost our way.  Rather than civil discourse and promoting understanding with those holding polar perspectives, we have embarked on a course to inflame our differences and have launched a campaign to use inflammatory rhetoric and bullying behavior to muzzle those with whom we disagree.  We often justify our distasteful behavior in the name of religion, politics and personal piety.

Civility begins in the home and in the institutions of our society.  We must teach our children to respect and value those who are religiously and ethnically different and embrace those who have special needs or are less fortunate.  I believe that civility should be the most important value we impart to our children.

Education is of little value if, in the midst of the learning environment, children are being taunted by their peers, and with resignation lose the will to live.  This pattern is currently happening within our schools.  It was psychologist Arthur Combs who said, “Perhaps the most important single cause of a person’s success or failure educationally has to do with the question of what a person believes about himself.”  Without civility training at home or in our schools, our children will enter adulthood educated “from the neck up” as people who find it convenient to prey on others who share a different world-view.

We know that our children role-model what they see in the behavior of their parents.  If our kids have been exposed to opinionated, hostile caretakers who disrespect the rights of others, they will follow suit.  If parents teach their children to respect and embrace all people, regardless of their orientation and lifestyle, we will observe the power of civility at work in creating harmony and peace. 

Right now, I believe we live in a country that hasn’t been this divided since the Civil War.  We will either find common ground, or further polarize our positions by using inflammatory, hateful rhetoric and behavior to intimidate our supposed “enemies.”

The foundations and institutions upon which our country is rooted are being weakened due to a lack of civility.  Even our religious institutions have not been spared; witness the devastating effect of child abuse within the Catholic Church and radical religious organizations demonizing others over issues such as abortion and gun rights.  Religion is often used to justify our most uncivil instincts within our families and institutions.

Civility involves the promotion of multidimensional thinking.  We must learn to explore issues in a non-evaluative manner and learn to assess the merits of a point of view from various perspectives.  For example, if we are “pro-life,” it is important that we can see the world through the lenses of those who are not in order to create civil discourse and learn to live with integrity in our position.  Civility means that we are able to suspend our position as we seek to find the truth wherever it may be found.  For truth-seekers, there is no preconceived notion about how the world works 

Those who embrace civility understand their own humanity, filled with frailty and weakness.  They are able to connect with others who are vulnerable in their own way.  To act in a civil manner, they choose not to control or change people, but to accept them without qualification, regardless of one’s differences.

As M. Scott Peck explored in his book, A Different Drum, we need to refashion our culture based upon a sense of community.  Community-building is an outgrowth of a pattern of creating and implementing programs based on civility.  If we continue on our current course of inflaming our ideological and religious passions and distinctions, we will weaken our personal and institutional connections.  Only through the process of promoting civility, will our society regain a sense of inter-relatedness and global harmony.

As troubled children move into adulthood, they try to fix the unfixable. They often hook into relationships that mirror the inadequacies of their parents. This behavior constitutes one more attempt to get closure on a troubled past. Instead of dragging the past into the here-and-now, adults must process the illusion that their parents will never have the capacity to emotionally rescue them. Adults must grieve the loss of a troubled childhood, and move forward creating new ways of thinking and behaving. In one’s search for adulthood, this is the only road to a triumphant life.

Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life: Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth (New Horizon Press, March, 2010) is an indispensable guide in helping readers navigate the turbulence of a troubled childhood. Drawing upon his own clinical and personal experiences and those of other individuals, James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S, LPC, CCBT provides tools for untangling the past through self-reflection, recognition, grieving one’s losses, and integrating new thinking in the journey to find authentic adulthood.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He treats children and adults experiencing anxiety and depressive disorders. He can be reached at www.scottsdaletherapy.net.

When I was a kid, my parents would tell me stories about Uncle Eddie who always wanted to be a writer.  According to my mom, Eddie had created a manuscript and he would talk endlessly about its potential and his desire to get it published.  However, my dad said Eddie was a “dreamer” who never took action to get his work in print.  On occasion, my parents would jokingly convey anecdotal comments about Eddie’s lack of ambition and unrealistic fantasies.

 Life stories have the power to alter one’s behavior.  Little did I realize at the time that the narrative about Eddie would serve as a catalyst to propel my writing career.

In September of 2005, I self-published Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy (Booklocker.com).  My mother carried it around in her walker, and was the best marketer a guy could have.  She sold copies to whoever would listen to her spiel.

Unfortunately, over the period of several months in 2008, I lost three loved ones including my mother. Needless to say, I began to consider my mortality.  I started to reflect on the urgency of life and recalled reading a quote that resonated with me.  The author said, “maybe the greatest sin we can commit is being underutilized.”  It struck me that in response to that quote, I had a responsibility to use my talent to finish what Eddie had started – to continue to create publishable works.

In the midst of my losses, I was looking for a way to refocus my energy in a constructive fashion.  A common theme began emerging in my counseling practice and I decided to explore the principles as a foundation for a new manuscript.

When people come to counseling with distressing presenting problems, they often begin revealing powerful assumptions which originate from troubled childhoods.  In my experience, individuals are not aware that the unfolding of powerful, painful content from a troubled past has a direct connection to the present.

I could see this interrelationship between the past and present in those who sought my help.  In response, I began to glean some insights into the question, “Why do some people navigate the perils of childhood effectively as they move into adulthood, whereas others tend to repeat the same worn-out, self-defeating behaviors?”

I discovered that adults tend to either avoid or dwell on their past without processing it.  This leaves them feeling victimized and stuck and creates a pattern of self-defeating thinking and behavior in the present.

Processing problems is different.  This involves the courage to squarely face issues and to comprehend the full emotional impact of an event.  As children, we are often forced to make assumptions about life that are erroneous.  If not rectified, these core interpretations are carried into adulthood and negatively affect our thinking and behavior.

Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life: Healing from the Battle Scars of Youth (New Horizon Press, 2010) is a book that guides the reader in correcting negative beliefs from the past, so that bad thinking doesn’t continue to be activated in the present.  Since core assumptions are powerful, they involuntarily get triggered in the present without any proactive intervention to stop the process.

Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life offers solution-focused strategies to help adults leave behind their perilous past and reframe their thinking in the search for a brighter present and future.  The search for adulthood is a continuous process of learning that involves thinking and behaving more adaptively.  Best wishes in your search.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona.  He treats children and adults experiencing anxiety and depressive disorders.  He can be reached at www.scottsdaletherapy.net.

Mark’s grown children disapproved of a new, intimate relationship that was very important to him.  Mark’s narrative was one of being intricately entwined with his children and ex-wife in a codependent relationship.  In the midst of the mess, his children had become caretakers to their parents.  In this way, they could soothe the emotional pain that all of them felt over the divorce.  Neither Mark nor his ex-wife had processed their anger over parting ways and had leaned on their children as a means of coping.

Now, with the introduction of a new woman in Mark’s life, the pot had been stirred.  Mark, his ex-wife and kids aligned themselves against his new love and began sabotaging the relationship.  Mark felt caught between the burden of his children’s feelings and his devotion to his girlfriend.  The old “nuclear family” was coming apart, as everyone felt betrayed.  In response, Mark’s girlfriend began to experience the angst of split-loyalties and started revolting.

Indeed, Mark was confused.  He felt caught, trapped in the middle of the maelstrom surrounding him.  In sensory overload, he retreated inside looking for a place of solace.  Instead, he began grappling with self-pity as a sense of victimization caused him to unravel within.

For the self-doubter, there is no centered-self.  Mark would continue to internalize everyone’s feelings but his own.  He was too frightened to take responsibility for what he believed to be true, instead deferring to the needs and approval from others.  Mark was too terrified to do the very thing that would have fostered freedom – that is, speak the truth about what he needed, whether his children liked it or not.  It is the fear of rejection and abandonment that binds us from the liberation to love.  Most people have not learned this truth, and consequently end up in a heap filled with great suffering, conflict, aloneness and self-blame.  They miss out on life’s precious pleasures because they fail to take the risk of loving seriously.

How do we shed our self-doubt and move in the direction of creating confidence?  How do we find our loving, centered-self in the midst of troubles and conflict?  Here are some conclusions that I’ve gleaned about this process:

• Set clearly defined boundaries with others.
• It is not “essential” to be loved and valued by all the significant people in your life.
• Learn to differentiate who you are from others.  You can ask, “How to I feel?  What do I feel?  What is my perspective on things?  What are my reactions to these events?”
• Recognize that pleasing others is a preference or choice, not an obligation.
• Prepare for a counter-reaction when you stick up for yourself.  If others do not like what you express, learn to hold our ground.
• Never justify your perspective and refrain from over-explaining beliefs.
• Recognize that it is the fear of losing that binds us.  People may disapprove of our truth, but generally will not abandon us.
• Individuate.  In your search for adulthood, find out who you are a part from all the significant people in your life, including your parents.
• Practice choosing.  Even if you make a wrong decision, you will feel empowered and primed to make a better one.
• Hurt and disappointment is inevitable.  That being said, you might as well take the risk of loving – it feels better.

There is no need for Mark to continue to act confused.  He doesn’t need to choose between his new love and his grown children.  He’s needs to make clear to his children that he has entered into the new relationship chapter in his life and he’s asking for their acceptance.  If they can’t grant it, he must make it clear he will not tolerate any self-serving, sabotaging behavior.  Initially, his kids may react, but ultimately will gain respect for a father who knows what he wants and stands up for it. Gaining confidence over self-doubt is trusting our instincts to move forward toward what we need and want in spite of the fear of disapproval.

Neurotic sufferers ignore the stop signs, glossing over their grief as if it did not exist.  They pretend that everything is running smoothly, ignoring what their bodies, mind and feelings are trying to tell them.  They diminish the truth in the pursuit of coping, choosing to ignore their emotional distress.

Holding Ourselves Together

Anxious sufferers hold themselves together like a ball of yarn.  They fear that if one strand were pulled from the ball, they would slowly unravel into a mound of scattered threads.  However, protecting oneself from the realities of the past eventually creates insurmountable fatigue.  One’s sympathetic nervous system reacts to the stress of trying to ignore the reality of stored and unprocessed emotional pain.

We must move through our grief and loss in order to get to the other side.  There is no substitute.  We cannot short-circuit the grief process without paying a price consisting of unnecessary suffering.  Grieving our pain allows us to legitimately navigate our loss, finding closure over past perplexing problems.

Mourning and releasing our losses takes time.  There is no way to short-circuit the process.  There are strategies that we can employ to facilitate moving through the grief process.  Here are a few ideas:

• Share one’s painful narratives with friends.
• Seek the emotional support of family.
• Journal one’s thoughts and feelings.
• Write a letter (not to be delivered), focusing on the impact of a significant other as you grieve the loss.  Explore difficult emotions and thoughts.
• Give up the illusion that people (particularly our parents), will change into the people we have always wanted them to become.
• Face our mortality by grieving the aging process and its affect on us. 

Learning to Get Our Power Back

Once we face our grief, our past will no longer have power over us.  We are freed from being straddled with false guilt, remorse, regrets, and the inability to connect on an emotional level with others.  Grieving is like peeling an onion.  There are layers, and it takes patience and persistence to navigate through our turmoil.

If one holds tightly to metaphors of pain, refusing to acknowledge its presence and impact, the lack of resolution creates the conditions to foster self-defeating thinking and behavior in the present.  Often, individuals who have thwarted the grief process, continue to play out interpretations and narratives of behavior similar to scripts present during childhood.  Individuals may have failed to squarely face their painful past – as interpreted through the eyes of a childhood burdened by emotionally unavailable parents.  They may never have come to terms with the pain generated by those who failed to love them unconditionally.

Saying Goodbye to the Magical Illusions

People, who experience the pain of a turbulent childhood, often cling to the illusion that someday their parents will magically morph into the loving parents they longed for.  Rather than swallow the “bitter pill” of how parents dealt with us, we continue to hold out hope that someday, somehow, they will change.  By holding out false hope, we minimize the significance of promises un-kept, thus cutting ourselves off from the part of us that needs transformation.

The search for adulthood involves recognizing the power of our painful past, creating and releasing it, and learning to rationally respond with fresh interpretations in the present.  The search for adulthood involves finding integrity, authenticity and adventure.  By appropriately grieving roadblocks from our painful past, we are able to move forward and become adaptive, functioning adults in the present.

The victimizer has never processed childhood conflict. He may have been abused or witnessed abuse at the hands or words of a parent. The aggressor experiences psychic numbing that is derived out of his own victimization. He never gets closure on his own troublesome history by grieving and releasing his resentment appropriately. Instead, the abuser repeats the intergenerational cycle of trauma, projecting anger and rage on those he supposedly values.

Often, the victim is confounded by the behavior of the abuser. Those who control, rage and intimidate can often be kind and gentle. They can put their “best foot forward” and gain the admiration and respect of the significant people in their lives. Their dark side is hidden from most – with the exception of their closest relationships.

The perpetrator’s fluctuation of moods makes the problem perplexing. One moment, he may be cordial and communicative, and abruptly shift to monumental moodiness filled with venom toward his partner. The unpredictable nature of the abuser makes those around him scramble for cover. One aspect that makes abuse mystifying is that the perpetrator never seeks to acknowledge that he has committed any wrong-doing. He can victimize loved ones through the trauma of painful assaults or words and then justify his actions as necessary. This pattern usually creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim. At times, the abuser may repeatedly apologize for his misbehavior and expect others to promptly forgive and forget. The abuser may flare if loved ones don’t promptly respond by acting as if no infraction was committed.

Perpetrators of violent behavior tend to be character disordered in nature. This means that they have a need to blame others for their actions rather than take responsibility for being aggressive. Their emotional and behavioral difficulties tend to be more pervasive pattern, in the sense that their pathological behavior goes to the core of their personality. Often, perpetrators of abuse may suffer from psychological disorders. Without therapeutic treatment and/or psychotropic medication management, abusers tend to chronically re-offend.

Some of the personality characteristics of abusers are:

• The use of power and control as a means of altering one’s social environment
• Being highly manipulative in words and actions
• A tendency to believe that they are always right
• Viewing life dichotomously – (black and white thinking)
• Typically having been abused or pampered as children
• Having minimal insight into how their behavior affects others
• Believing that they are entitled to a life that is always without injustice
• Exhibiting poor impulse control and displaying an aggressive style of communicating
• Being self-centered, rigid, and lacking the capacity to view things from other people’s perspective
• Being extremely insecure, feeling incompetent, and manifesting defensiveness

Abusers lack the insight and sensitivity necessary to understand the damage that they inflict on others. They feel justified in projecting anger and rage on those closest to them. They rarely seek help because they feel that their actions are warranted based upon their egocentric view of the world. They “pull reversals” or manipulate their loved ones into believing that their behavior is an appropriate reaction to being “wronged.” The prognosis for healing among those who abuse is negative unless intense therapeutic intervention in willingly sought.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James is the featured Shrink Rap columnist for TheImproper.com, an upscale arts, entertainment and lifestyle web magazine. He has contracted with New Horizon Press to publish his latest work entitled, Troubled Childhood, Triumphant Life. This is the story about the impact of troubled childhoods on adult functioning.  His book will be available March 1, 2010 but currently can be pre-ordered through Amazon.com.   James can be reached at KrehbielCounseling.com.